I Dare You To Eat It

You know, my amazing mother passed away just one year ago, yesterday. Yesterday had some quiet moments for me. 

I would love to be able to share so much of her remarkable life and example but I don’t think I can. It still feels…too big, and I’m still too small. But I do want to share something specific about the end of her life, and this has lots to do with provident living.

At the end of my mother’s life, she suffered greatly from Alzheimer’s and the additional complications of a stroke. To say the least, it was not a good time for her. As a family, and like many many people today, we, her six adult children were faced with the challenge of how to best care for an elderly parent, who literally gave everything for us.

I remember the day when I thought, “I want her to have the very best.” Then I realized, “Wait a second,” as far as my mother’s concerned, I was “the very best.” Not because I have any special training or nursing skills, but simply because I was her daughter, and I loved her with all my heart, I felt like I could give her the kind of care that she would want.

And this is how we, meaning all my siblings, and their spouses, and the grandchildren, made it happen.  We worked together. My three sisters and I each created a ’set up’ for our mother in our own home. In some homes it was a private room, and in my tiny home it was only an area in my office, but we made sure that she was comfortable and safe. We even organized all her clothing so that we each had a supply that could remain in our homes.

Then we organized our schedules. No one had enough time to do this, but we chose to do it anyway. We divised a calendar where my mother could stay in each of her daughters’ homes on a rotating basis. It was a huge blessing that she was happy with the frequent ‘visits’. The changes in her address didn’t upset her. She was always surrounded by the people she loved.

My two brothers helped in ways that made sense for them. One brother, managed all the financial and legal details of my parents’ needs. That was a huge help to us. My sisters and I didn’t have to worry about the ‘back of the house’ while we were carefully managing the ‘front of the house’. Another brother, who lives out of state, did everything he could to carry an extra load in the care that my father required, while living in an assisted living facility, during these difficult years. He made extra trips and looked for practical ways to send his support long distance. He did things to support his sisters so that we had more to give to our mother.

It was a team effort, and that’s what made it successful. Provident living is about team efforts and doing more at home. We were able to care for our dear mother, on our terms and on our own turf, with only minimal professional support, for the last few years of her life.  I know absolutely that we were blessed and strengthened in this whole family effort. We couldn’t have done it on our own.

And here’s a short list of those blessings.

We never worried about our mother’s care or safety. We enjoyed being with her until the end of her life here on earth. Our children learned that there is no shame in growing old and needing help. We all learned new skills. We learned that elderly people matter and that our busy lives are not more important than theirs. We learned how to slow down and be more patient. We learned to work together and not compare what we could give to what someone else could give. We learned to appreciate the unique help from each sibling. We learned to listen when someone was at the end of their rope. We learned to laugh at little things. We learned to find new ways to help our mother feel happy.

In the end, caring for my mother, in my own home, was one of the greatest experiences of my life. She was a great person. And we will be eternally fortunate to have known her.